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er mothers side。＇ so clearly that i could even make out her skin of soft； crinkly velvet。 another time grandma appeared to me as a guardian angel。 after that it was hanneli； who still symbolizes to me the suffering of my friends as well as that of jews in general； so that when im praying for her； im also praying for all the jews and all those in need。
and now peter； my dearest peter。 ive never had such a clear mental image of him。 i dont need a photograph； i can see him oh so well。
yours； anne
friday； ＇anuary 7； 1944
dearest kitty；
im such an idiot。 i forgot that i havent yet told you the story of my one true love。
when i was a little girl； way back in kindergarten； i took a liking to sally kimmel。
his father was gone； and he and his mother lived with an aunt。 one of sallys cousins was a good…looking； slender； dark…haired boy named appy； who later turned out to look like a movie idol and aroused more admiration than the short； ical； chubby sally。 for a long time we went everywhere together； but aside from that； my love was unrequited until peter crossed my path。 i had an out…and…out crush on him。 he liked me too； and we were inseparable for one whole summer。 i can still see us walking hand in hand through our neighborhood； peter in a white cotton suit and me in a short summer dress。 at the end of the summer vacation he went to the seventh grade at the middle school； while i was in the sixth grade at the grammar school。 hed pick me up on the way home； or id pick him up。 peter was the ideal boy： tall； good…looking and slender； with a serious； quiet and intelligent face。 he had dark hair； beautiful brown eyes； ruddy cheeks and a nicely pointed nose。 i was crazy about his smile； which made him look so boyish and mischievous。
id gone away to the countryside during summer vacation； and when i came back； peter was no longer at his old address； hed moved and was living with a much older boy； who apparently told him i was just a kid； because peter stopped seeing me。 i loved him so much that i didnt want to face the truth。 i kept clinging to him until the day i finally realized that if i continued to chase after him； people would say i was boy…crazy。
the years went by。 peter hung around with girls his own age and no longer bothered to say hello to me。 i started school at the jewish lyceum； and several boys in my class were in love with me。 i enjoyed it and felt honored by their attentions； but that was all。 later on； hello had a terrible crush on me； but as ive already told you； i never fell in love again。
theres a saying： 〃time heals all wounds。〃 thats how it was with me。 i told myself id forgotten peter and no longer liked him in the least。 but my memories of him were so strong that i had to admit to myself that the only reason i no longer liked him was that i was jealous of the other girls。 this morning i realized that nothing has changed；
on the contrary； as ive grown older and more mature； my love has grown along with me。 i can understand now that peter thought i was childish； and yet it still hurts to think hed forgotten me pletely。 i saw his face so clearly； i knew for certain that no one but peter could have stuck in my mind that way。
ive been in an utter state of confusion today。 when father kissed me this morning； i wanted to shout； 〃oh； if only you were peter！〃 ive been thinking of him constantly； and all day long ive been repeating to myself； 〃oh； petel； my darling； darling petel 。 。
。”
where can i find help？ i simply have to go on living and praying to god that； if we ever get out of here； peters path will cross mine and hell gaze into my eyes； read the love in them and say； 〃oh； anne； if id only known； id have e to you long ago。”
once when father and i were talking about sex； he said i was too young to understand that kind of desire。 but i thought i did understand it； and now im sure i do。 nothing is as dear to me now as my darling petel！
i saw my face in the mirror； and it looked so different。 my eyes were clear and deep； my cheeks were rosy； which they hadnt been in weeks； my mouth was much softer。 i looked happy； and yet there was something so sad in my expression that the smile immediately faded from my lips。 im not happy； since i know petels not thinking of me； and yet i can still feel his beautiful eyes gazing at me and his cool； soft cheek against mine。 。 。 oh； petel； petel； how am i ever going to free myself from your image？ wouldnt anyone who took your place be a poor substitute？ i love you； with a love so great that it simply couldnt keep growing inside my heart； but had to leap out and reveal itself in all its magnitude。
a week ago； even a day ago； if youd asked me； 〃which of your friends do you think youd be most likely to marry？〃 id have answered； 〃sally； since he makes me feel
good； peaceful and safe！〃 but now id cry； 〃petel； because i love him with all my heart and all my soul。 i surrender myself pletely！〃 except for that one thing： he may touch my face； but thats as far as it goes。
this morning i imagined i was in the front attic with petel； sitting on the floor by the windows； and after talking for a while； we both began to cry。 moments later i felt his mouth and his wonderful cheek！ oh； petel； e to me。 think of me； my dearest petel！
wednesday； january 12； 1944
dearest kitty；
beps been back for the last two weeks； though her sister wont be allowed back at school until next week。 bep herself spent two days in bed with a bad cold。 miep and jan were also out for two days； with upset stomachs。
im currently going through a dance and ballet craze and am diligently practicing my dance steps every evening。 ive made an ultramodern dance costume out of a lacy lavender slip belonging to momsy。 bias tape is threaded through the top and tied just above the bust。 a pink corded ribbon pletes the ensemble。 i tried to turn my tennis shoes into ballet slippers； but with no success。 my stiff limbs are well on the way to being as limber as they used to be。 a terrific exercise is to sit on the floor； place a heel in each hand and raise both legs in the air。 i have to sit on a cushion； because otherwise my poor backside really takes a beating。
everyone h