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sweetly informed me that they were going downtown to buy or look at something； i dont remember what； and of course i wanted to go along。 but they said i couldnt e because i had my bike with me。 tears of rage rushed to my eyes； and margot and mother began laughing at me。 i was so furious that i stuck my tongue out at them； right there on the street。 a little old lady happened to be passing by； and she looked terribly shocked。 i rode my bike home and must have cried for hours。 strangely enough； even though mother has wounded me thousands of times； this particular wound still stings whenever i think of how angry i was。
i find it difficult to confess the second one because its about myself。 im not prudish； kitty； and yet every time they give a blow…by…blow account of their trips to the
bathroom； which they often do； my whole body rises in revolt。
yesterday i read an article on blushing by sis heyster。 it was as if shed addressed it directly to me。 not that i blush easily； but the rest of the article did apply。 what she basically says is that during puberty girls withdraw into themselves and begin thinking about the wondrous changes taking place in their bodies。 i feel that too； which probably accounts for my recent embarrassment over margot； mother and father。 on the other hand； margot is a lot shyer than i am； and yet shes not in the least embarrassed。
i think that whats happening to me is so wonderful； and i dont just mean the changes taking place on the outside of my body； but also those on the inside。 i never discuss myself or any of these things with others； which is why i have to talk about them to myself。 whenever i get my period （and thats only been three times）； i have the feeling that in spite of all the pain； disfort and mess； im carrying around a sweet secret。 so even though its a nuisance； in a certain way im always looking forward to the time when ill feel that secret inside me once again。
sis heyster also writes that girls my age feel very insecure about themselves and are just beginning to discover that theyre individuals with their own ideas； thoughts and habits。 id just turned thirteen when i came here； so i started thinking about myself and realized that ive bee an 〃independent person〃 sooner than most girls。
sometimes when i lie in bed at night i feel a terrible urge to touch my breasts and listen to the quiet； steady beating of my heart。
unconsciously； i had these feelings even before i came here。 once when i was spending the night at jacques； i could no longer restrain my curiosity about her body； which shed always hidden from me and which id never seen。 i asked her whether； as proof of our friendiship； we could touch each others breasts。 jacque refused。
i also had a terrible desire to kiss her； which i did。 every time i see a female nude； such as the venus in my art history book； i go into ecstasy。 sometimes i find them so exquisite i have to struggle to hold back my tears。 if only i had a girlfriend！
thursday； january 6； 1944
dearest kitty；
my longing for someone to talk to has bee so unbearable that i somehow took it into my head to select peter for this role。 on the few occasions when i have gone to peters room during the day； ive always thought it was nice and cozy。 but peters too
polite to show someone the door when theyre bothering him； so ive never dared to stay long。 ive always been afraid hed think i was a pest。 ive been looking for an excuse to linger in his room and get him talking without his noticing； and yesterday i got my chance。 peter； you see； is currently going through a crossword…puzzle craze； and he doesnt do anything else all day。 i was helping him； and we soon wound up sitting across from each other at his table； peter on the chair and me on the divan。
it gave me a wonderful feeling when i looked into his dark blue eyes and saw how bashful my unexpected visit had made him。 i could read his innermost thoughts； and in his face i saw a look of helplessness and uncertainty as to how to behave； and at the same time a flicker of awareness of his masculinity。 i saw his shyness； and i melted。
i wanted to say； 〃tell me about yourself。 look beneath my chatty exterior。〃 but i found that it was easier to think up questions than to ask them。
the evening came to a close； and nothing happened； except that i told him about the article on blushing。 not what i wrote you； of course； just that he would grow more secure as he got older。 “
that night i lay in bed and cried my eyes out； all the i while making sure no one could hear me。 the idea that i had to beg peter for favors was simply revolting。 but people will do almost anything to satisfy their longings； take me； for example； ive made up my mind to visit peter more often and； somehow； get him to talk to me。
you mustnt think im in love with peter； because im not。 if the van daans had had a daughter instead of a son； id have tried to make friends with her。
this morning i woke up just before seven and immediately remembered what id been dreaming about。 i was sitting on a chair and across from me was peter。 。 。 peter schiff。 we were looking at a book of drawings by mary bos。 the dream was so vivid i can even remember some of the drawings。 but that wasnt all …… the dream went on。 peters eyes suddenly met mine； and i stared for a long time into those velvety brown eyes。 then he said very softly； 〃if id only known； id have e to you long ago！〃 i turned abruptly away； overe by emotion。 and then i felt a soft； oh…so…cool and gentle cheek against mine； and it felt so good； so good 。 。 。
at that point i woke up； still feeling his cheek against mine and his brown eyes staring deep into my heart； so deep that he could read how much id loved him and how much i still do。 again my eyes filled with tears； and i was sad because id lost him once more； and yet at the same time glad because i knew with certainty that peter is still the only one for me。
its funny； but i often have such vivid images in my dreams。 one night i saw grammy ＇grammy is annes grandmother on her fathers side； and grandma her grandmother on her mothers side。＇ so clearly that i could even make out her skin of soft； crinkly velvet。 another ti