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the servant trembled before him； his son trembled before him； his wife was scared to face him。
people thought about it a good deal before they called on him。
even when they came to his door they hesitated to ring the bell； wondering whether they should go in or not。
when i stayed with him and came to know him closely； i asked him what all this was about。
i said； 〃as such； you are a very simple man。
〃 he said； 〃i am very scared。
it is dangerous to form a relationship； because if you form a relationship with somebody then sooner or later he starts asking for money。
if you remain courteous and loving to your wife； the expenditures shoot up。
if you dont remain stiff with your son； his pocket money goes on increasing。
if you talk to your servant gently； he also tries to behave like a boss。
〃
so a solid wall of coldness had to be erected all around …… that would scare the wife； that would scare the son。
how many fathers have done this？
the truth of the matter is that there is hardly any home where the father and the son meet each other lovingly。
the son goes to the father when he needs money； the father goes to the son when he wants to give him a sermon； otherwise the two dont meet； the meeting never happens。
there is no meeting point between a father and a son。
the father is afraid； and he has surrounded himself with a solid wall。
the son is also afraid； he sneaks by his father。
there is no harmony anywhere between the two。
the more a person is afraid； the more he worries about his security； the more solid he bees。
there is great danger in being fluid； there is insecurity in it。
this is the reason we are afraid of falling in love。
only after we have scrutinized the person and bee totally reassured do we ever fall in love。
that means； first we make sure there is no cause for danger from the person； then we fall in love。
thats why we invented marriages …… first we marry； first we take all the necessary measures； then we fall in love …… because love is dangerous。
love is fluid； a man might find his way into anyone。
it is dangerous to fall in love with a stranger； he may sneak off at night with all your valuables！ so first we make absolutely certain who the man is； what he does； where his parents are from； how his character is； what his qualities are。
we take all the measures； we take the full social precautions； only then do we accept the individual in marriage。
we are a frightened people； we want to make everything secure first。
the more we secure ourselves； the harder and colder the wall of ice is all around us； and it shrinks our entire being。
our separation from god has happened because of one reason alone： we are not liquid； we have bee solid。
this is the only cause of separation： we are not flowing； we have bee like blocks； we are not like water； we are like frozen ice。
once we bee fluid…like； the separation will no longer exist； but we will only bee fluid…like when we agree to see and to live death； when we accept that death exists。
once we have seen and recognized that death exists； why should there be any fear？ when death is surely there； when the wave knows for certain she is bound to disappear； if the wave has found out that birth itself contains death； if the wave has e to know that its disintegration began the very moment it was created； the matter is finished。
now why turn into ice？ then it will accept being a wave as long as it has to be； and it will accept being the ocean as long as it has to be。
thats it！ the matter is over！ then everything is accepted。
in that acceptance the wave bees the ocean。
then all worry over its disappearance is gone； because then the wave knows it existed before its extinction and it will continue to exist even after it has vanished …… not as the i； but as the boundless ocean。
when lao tzu was about to die； somebody asked him to reveal a few secrets of his life。
lao tzu said； 〃the first secret is： no one has ever defeated me in my life。
〃
hearing this； the disciples became very excited。
they said； 〃you never told us this before！ we also wish to be victorious。
please show us the trick。
〃
lao tzu answered； 〃you made a mistake。
you heard something different。
i said no one could ever defeat me； and you are saying you too want to be victorious。
the two things are totally opposite； although they look similar in meaning。
in the dictionary； in the world of language； it has one meaning …… that a person who has not faced defeat is victorious。
i simply said no one could defeat me； while you are talking about being victorious。
get out of here！ you will never understand what i am saying。
the disciples pleaded； 〃even so； please explain to us。
please show us the technique。
how were you never defeated？〃
lao tzu said； 〃no one could defeat me because i always remained defeated。
there is no way to defeat a defeated man。
i was never defeated because i never wished for victory。
in fact； no one could pick a fight with me。
if anyone ever came to challenge me he found me already defeated； so he couldnt have any fun defeating me。
the joy is in defeating one who desires to be victorious。
what fun can there be in defeating someone who doesnt even want to win？〃
actually； it gives us pleasure to destroy somebodys ego because doing so strengthens our own。
but if a man has already effaced himself； what fun can there be in destroying such a person？ our ego wouldnt get any kick out of it。
the more we succeed in breaking the others ego； the stronger ours bees。
the others broken ego bees the strength of our own。
but the ego of this man we are talking about is already broken。
for example； you go out to defeat a man； and before you knock him down he lays himself down on the ground； and before you sit on him he invites you and lets you sit on him。
what will your state be then？ you would want to run away from there！ what else could you do？ people watching would laugh and say； 〃go on； sit on him； sit fortably。
why are you running away？〃 who would look stupid； the one who sat on the man； or the man who kept laughing and w