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why me？
i aint got a shirt to cover it with。 go on。 hurry。
he climbed the three wooden steps to the porch and tapped loosely at the door with the back of his hand。 he took off his hat and pressed his shirtsleeve against his forehead and put his hat back on again。
e in； a voice called。
he opened the door and stepped into the cool darkness。 ellis？
im back here。 e on back。
he walked through to the kitchen。 the old man was sitting beside the table in his chair。
the room smelled of old bacon…grease and stale woodsmoke from the stove and over it all lay a faint tang of urine。 like the smell of cats but it wasnt just cats。 bell stood in the doorway and took his hat off。 the old man looked up at him。 one clouded eye from a cholla spine where a horse had thrown him years ago。 hey； ed tom； he said。 i didnt know who that was。
how are you makin it？
youre lookin at it。 you by yourself？
yessir。
set down。 you want some coffee？
bell looked at the clutter on the checked oilcloth。 bottles of medicine。 breadcrumbs。
quarterhorse magazines。 thank you no； he said。 i appreciate it。
i had a letter from your wife。
you can call her loretta。
i know i can。 did you know she writes me？
i guess i knew shed wrote you a time or two。
its more than a time or two。 she writes pretty regular。 tells me the family news。
i didnt know there was any。
you might be surprised。
so what was special about this letter then。
she just told me you was quittin； thats all。 set down。
the old man didnt watch to see if he would or he wouldnt。 he fell to rolling himself a cigarette from a sack of tobacco at his elbow。 he twisted the end in his mouth and turned it around and lit it with an old zippo lighter worn through to the brass。 he sat smoking； holding the cigarette pencilwise in his fingers。
are you all right？ bell said。
im all right。
he wheeled the chair slightly sideways and watched bell through the smoke。 i got to say you look older； he said。
i am older。
the old man nodded。 bell had pulled out a chair and sat and he put his hat on the table。
let me ask you somethin； he said。
all right。
whats your biggest regret in life。
the old man looked at him； gauging the question。 i dont know； he said。 i aint got all that many regrets。 i could imagine lots of things that you might think would make a man happier。 i reckon bein able to walk around might be one。 you can make up your own list。 you might even have one。 i think by the time youre grown youre as happy as youre goin to be。 youll have good times and bad times； but in the end youll be about as happy as you was before。 or as unhappy。 ive knowed people that just never did get the hang of it。
i know what you mean。
i know you do。
the old man smoked。 if what youre askin me is what made me the unhappiest then i think you already know that。
yessir。
and it aint this chair。 and it aint this cotton eye。
yessir。 i know that。
you sign on for the ride you probably think you got at least some notion of where the rides goin。 but you might not。 or you might of been lied to。 probably nobody would blame you then。 if you quit。 but if its just that it turned out to be a little roughern what you had in mind。 well。 thats somethin else。
bell nodded。
i guess some things are better not put to the test。
i guess thats right。
what would it take to run loretta off？
i dont know。 i guess id have to do somethin that was pretty bad。 it damn sure wouldnt be just cause things got a little rough。 shes done been there a time or two。
ellis nodded。 he tipped the ash from his smoke into a jar…lid on the table。 ill take your word on that； he said。
bell smiled。 he looked around。 how fresh is that coffee？
i think its all right。 i generally make a fresh pot here ever week even if there is some left over。
bell smiled again and rose and carried the pot to the counter and plugged it in。
they sat at the table drinking coffee out of the same crazed porcelain cups that had been in that house since before he was born。 bell looked at the cup and he looked around the kitchen。 well； he said。 some things dont change； i reckon。
what would that be？ the old man said。
hell； i dont know。
i dont either。
how many cats you got？
several。 depends on what you mean by got。 some of em are half wild and the rest are just outlaws。 they run out the door when they heard your truck。
did you hear the truck？
hows that？
i said did you… youre havin a little fun with me。
what give you that idea？
did you？
no。 i seen the cats skedaddle。
you want some more of this？
im done。
the man that shot you died in prison。
in angola。 yes。
what would you of done if hed been released？
i dont know。 nothin。 there wouldnt be no point to it。 there aint no point to it。 not to any of it。
im kindly surprised to hear you say that。
you wear out； ed tom。 all the time you spend tryin to get back whats been took from you theres more goin out the door。 after a while you just try and get a tourniquet on it。
your grandad never asked me to sign on as deputy with him。 i done that my own self。
hell； i didnt have nothin else to do。 paid about the same as cowboyin。 anyway； you never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from。 i was too young for one war and too old for the next one。 but i seen what e out of it。 you can be patriotic and still believe that some things cost more than what theyre worth。 ask them gold star mothers what they paid and what they got for it。 you always pay too much。
particularly for promises。 there aint no such thing as a bargain promise。 youll see。
maybe you done have。
bell didnt answer。
i always thought when i got older that god would sort of e into my life in some way。 he didnt。 i dont blame him。 if i was him id have the same opinion about me that he does。
you dont know what he thinks。
yes i do。
he looked at bell。 i can remember one time you e to see me after you all had moved to denton。 you walked in and you looked around and you asked me what i intended to do。
all right。
you wouldnt ask me now though； would you？
maybe not。
you wo