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Jane Eyre-第50章

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—so i should; but you see i was not。 when fate wronged me; i had not the wisdom to remain cool: i turned desperate; then i degenerated。 now; when any vicious simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry ribaldry; i cannot flatter myself that i am better than he: i am forced to confess that he and i are on a level。 i wish i had stood firm—god knows i do! dread remorse when you are tempted to err; miss eyre; remorse is the poison of life。”

“repentance is said to be its cure; sir。”

“it is not its cure。 reformation may be its cure; and i could reform—i have strength yet for that—if—but where is the use of thinking of it; hampered; burdened; cursed as i am? besides; since happiness is irrevocably denied me; i have a right to get pleasure out of life: and i will get it; cost what it may。”

“then you will degenerate still more; sir。”

“possibly: yet why should i; if i can get sweet; fresh pleasure? and i may get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the moor。”

“it will sting—it will taste bitter; sir。”

“how do you know?—you never tried it。 how very serious—how very solemn you look: and you are as ignorant of the matter as this cameo head” (taking one from the mantelpiece)。 “you have no right to preach to me; you neophyte; that have not passed the porch of life; and are absolutely unacquainted with its mysteries。”

“i only remind you of your own words; sir: you said error brought remorse; and you pronounced remorse the poison of existence。”

“and who talks of error now? i scarcely think the notion that flittered across my brain was an error。 i believe it was an inspiration rather than a temptation: it was very genial; very soothing—i know that。 here it es again! it is no devil; i assure you; or if it be; it has put on the robes of an angel of light。 i think i must admit so fair a guest when it asks entrance to my heart。”

“distrust it; sir; it is not a true angel。”

“once more; how do you know? by what instinct do you pretend to distinguish between a fallen seraph of the abyss and a messenger from the eternal throne—between a guide and a seducer?”

“i judged by your countenance; sir; which was troubled when you said the suggestion had returned upon you。 i feel sure it will work you more misery if you listen to it。”

“not at all—it bears the most gracious message in the world: for the rest; you are not my conscience…keeper; so don’t make yourself uneasy。 here; e in; bonny wanderer!”

he said this as if he spoke to a vision; viewless to any eye but his own; then; folding his arms; which he had half extended; on his chest; he seemed to enclose in their embrace the invisible being。

“now;” he continued; again addressing me; “i have received the pilgrim—a disguised deity; as i verify believe。 already it has done me good: my heart was a sort of charnel; it will now be a shrine。”

“to speak truth; sir; i don’t understand you at all: i cannot keep up the conversation; because it has got out of my depth。 only one thing; i know: you said you were not as good as you should like to be; and that you regretted your own imperfection;—one thing i can prehend: you intimated that to have a sullied memory was a perpetual bane。 it seems to me; that if you tried hard; you would in time find it possible to bee what you yourself would approve; and that if from this day you began with resolution to correct your thoughts and actions; you would in a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of recollections; to which you might revert with pleasure。”

“justly thought; rightly said; miss eyre; and; at this moment; i am paving hell with energy。”

“sir?”

“i am laying down good intentions; which i believe durable as flint。 certainly; my associates and pursuits shall be other than they have been。”

“and better?”

“and better—so much better as pure ore is than foul dross。 you seem to doubt me; i don’t doubt myself: i know what my aim is; what my motives are; and at this moment i pass a law; unalterable as that of the medes and persians; that both are right。”

“they cannot be; sir; if they require a new statute to legalise them。”

“they are; miss eyre; though they absolutely require a new statute: unheard…of binations of circumstances demand unheard…of rules。”

“that sounds a dangerous maxim; sir; because one can see at once that it is liable to abuse。”

“sententious sage! so it is: but i swear by my household gods not to abuse it。”

“you are human and fallible。”

“i am: so are you—what then?”

“the human and fallible should not arrogate a power with which the divine and perfect alone can be safely intrusted。”

“what power?”

“that of saying of any strange; unsanctioned line of action;—‘let it be right。’”

“‘let it be right’—the very words: you have pronounced them。”

“may it be right then;” i said; as i rose; deeming it useless to continue a discourse which was all darkness to me; and; besides; sensible that the character of my interlocutor was beyond my penetration; at least; beyond its present reach; and feeling the uncertainty; the vague sense of insecurity; which acpanies a conviction of ignorance。

“where are you going?”

“to put adèle to bed: it is past her bedtime。”

“you are afraid of me; because i talk like a sphynx。”

“your language is enigmatical; sir: but though i am bewildered; i am certainly not afraid。”

“you are afraid—your self…love dreads a blunder。”

“in that sense i do feel apprehensive—i have no wish to talk nonsense。”

“if you did; it would be in such a grave; quiet manner; i should mistake it for sense。 do you never laugh; miss eyre? don’t trouble yourself to answer—i see you laugh rarely; but you can laugh very merrily: believe me; you are not naturally austere; any more than i am naturally vicious。 the lowood constraint still clings to you somewhat; controlling your features; muffling your voice; and restricting your limbs; and you fear in the presence of a man and a brother—or father; or master; or what you will—to smile too gaily; speak too freely; or move too quickly: but; in time; i think you will learn to be natural with me; 
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