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rusty nail。”
he had deigned an explanation; almost an apology; and i did not feel insensible to his condescension; and would not seem so。
“i am willing to amuse you; if i can; sir—quite willing; but i cannot introduce a topic; because how do i know what will interest you? ask me questions; and i will do my best to answer them。”
“then; in the first place; do you agree with me that i have a right to be a little masterful; abrupt; perhaps exacting; sometimes; on the grounds i stated; namely; that i am old enough to be your father; and that i have battled through a varied experience with many men of many nations; and roamed over half the globe; while you have lived quietly with one set of people in one house?”
“do as you please; sir。”
“that is no answer; or rather it is a very irritating; because a very evasive one。 reply clearly。”
“i don’t think; sir; you have a right to mand me; merely because you are older than i; or because you have seen more of the world than i have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience。”
“humph! promptly spoken。 but i won’t allow that; seeing that it would never suit my case; as i have made an indifferent; not to say a bad; use of both advantages。 leaving superiority out of the question; then; you must still agree to receive my orders now and then; without being piqued or hurt by the tone of mand。 will you?”
i smiled: i thought to myself mr。 rochester is peculiar—he seems to forget that he pays me £30 per annum for receiving his orders。
“the smile is very well;” said he; catching instantly the passing expression; “but speak too。”
“i was thinking; sir; that very few masters would trouble themselves to inquire whether or not their paid subordinates were piqued and hurt by their orders。”
“paid subordinates! what! you are my paid subordinate; are you? oh yes; i had forgotten the salary! well then; on that mercenary ground; will you agree to let me hector a little?”
“no; sir; not on that ground; but; on the ground that you did forget it; and that you care whether or not a dependent is fortable in his dependency; i agree heartily。”
“and will you consent to dispense with a great many conventional forms and phrases; without thinking that the omission arises from insolence?”
“i am sure; sir; i should never mistake informality for insolence: one i rather like; the other nothing free…born would submit to; even for a salary。”
“humbug! most things free…born will submit to anything for a salary; therefore; keep to yourself; and don’t venture on generalities of which you are intensely ignorant。 however; i mentally shake hands with you for your answer; despite its inaccuracy; and as much for the manner in which it was said; as for the substance of the speech; the manner was frank and sincere; one does not often see such a manner: no; on the contrary; affectation; or coldness; or stupid; coarse…minded misapprehension of one’s meaning are the usual rewards of candour。 not three in three thousand raw school…girl…governesses would have answered me as you have just done。 but i don’t mean to flatter you: if you are cast in a different mould to the majority; it is no merit of yours: nature did it。 and then; after all; i go too fast in my conclusions: for what i yet know; you may be no better than the rest; you may have intolerable defects to counterbalance your few good points。”
“and so may you;” i thought。 my eye met his as the idea crossed my mind: he seemed to read the glance; answering as if its import had been spoken as well as imagined—
“yes; yes; you are right;” said he; “i have plenty of faults of my own: i know it; and i don’t wish to palliate them; i assure you。 god wot i need not be too severe about others; i have a past existence; a series of deeds; a colour of life to contemplate within my own breast; which might well call my sneers and censures from my neighbours to myself。 i started; or rather (for like other defaulters; i like to lay half the blame on ill fortune and adverse circumstances) was thrust on to a wrong tack at the age of one…and… twenty; and have never recovered the right course since: but i might have been very different; i might have been as good as you— wiser—almost as stainless。 i envy you your peace of mind; your clean conscience; your unpolluted memory。 little girl; a memory without blot or contamination must be an exquisite treasure—an inexhaustible source of pure refreshment: is it not?”
“how was your memory when you were eighteen; sir?”
“all right then; limpid; salubrious: no gush of bilge water had turned it to fetid puddle。 i was your equal at eighteen—quite your equal。 nature meant me to be; on the whole; a good man; miss eyre; one of the better kind; and you see i am not so。 you would say you don’t see it; at least i flatter myself i read as much in your eye (beware; by…the…bye; what you express with that organ; i am quick at interpreting its language)。 then take my word for it;—i am not a villain: you are not to suppose that—not to attribute to me any such bad eminence; but; owing; i verily believe; rather to circumstances than to my natural bent; i am a trite monplace sinner; hackneyed in all the poor petty dissipations with which the rich and worthless try to put on life。 do you wonder that i avow this to you? know; that in the course of your future life you will often find yourself elected the involuntary confidant of your acquaintances’ secrets: people will instinctively find out; as i have done; that it is not your forte to tell of yourself; but to listen while others talk of themselves; they will feel; too; that you listen with no malevolent scorn of their indiscretion; but with a kind of innate sympathy; not the less forting and encouraging because it is very unobtrusive in its manifestations。”
“how do you know?—how can you guess all this; sir?”
“i know it well; therefore i proceed almost as freely as if i were writing my thoughts in a diary。 you would say; i should have been superior to circumstances; so i should—so i should; but you see i was not。 when fate wronged me; i had not the wisdom to remain cool: i t