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med to give delight to all who looked at her； and to purchase indemnity for every fault。 john no one thwarted； much less punished； though he twisted the necks of the pigeons； killed the little pea…chicks； set the dogs at the sheep； stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit； and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory： he called his mother “old girl；” too； sometimes reviled her for her dark skin； similar to his own； bluntly disregarded her wishes； not unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire； and he was still “her own darling。” i dared mit no fault： i strove to fulfil every duty； and i was termed naughty and tiresome； sullen and sneaking； from morning to noon； and from noon to night。
my head still ached and bled with the blow and fall i had received： no one had reproved john for wantonly striking me； and because i had turned against him to avert farther irrational violence； i was loaded with general opprobrium。
“unjust！—unjust！” said my reason； forced by the agonising stimulus into precocious though transitory power： and resolve； equally wrought up； instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupportable oppression—as running away； or； if that could not be effected； never eating or drinking more； and letting myself die。
what a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon！ how all my brain was in tumult； and all my heart in insurrection！ yet in what darkness； what dense ignorance； was the mental battle fought！ i could not answer the ceaseless inward question—why i thus suffered； now； at the distance of—i will not say how many years； i see it clearly。
i was a discord in gateshead hall： i was like nobody there； i had nothing in harmony with mrs。 reed or her children； or her chosen vassalage。 if they did not love me； in fact； as little did i love them。 they were not bound to regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise with one amongst them； a heterogeneous thing； opposed to them in temperament； in capacity； in propensities； a useless thing； incapable of serving their interest； or adding to their pleasure； a noxious thing； cherishing the germs of indignation at their treatment； of contempt of their judgment。 i know that had i been a sanguine； brilliant； careless； exacting； handsome； romping child—though equally dependent and friendless—mrs。 reed would have endured my presence more placently； her children would have entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow…feeling； the servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the nursery。
daylight began to forsake the red…room； it was past four o’clock； and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight。 i heard the rain still beating continuously on the staircase window； and the wind howling in the grove behind the hall； i grew by degrees cold as a stone； and then my courage sank。 my habitual mood of humiliation； self…doubt； forlorn depression； fell damp on the embers of my decaying ire。 all said i was wicked； and perhaps i might be so； what thought had i been but just conceiving of starving myself to death？ that certainly was a crime： and was i fit to die？ or was the vault under the chancel of gateshead church an inviting bourne？ in such vault i had been told did mr。 reed lie buried； and led by this thought to recall his idea； i dwelt on it with gathering dread。 i could not remember him； but i knew that he was my own uncle—my mother’s brother—that he had taken me when a parentless infant to his house； and that in his last moments he had required a promise of mrs。 reed that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children。 mrs。 reed probably considered she had kept this promise； and so she had； i dare say； as well as her nature would permit her； but how could she really like an interloper not of her race； and unconnected with her； after her husband’s death； by any tie？ it must have been most irksome to find herself bound by a hard…wrung pledge to stand in the stead of a parent to a strange child she could not love； and to see an uncongenial alien permanently intruded on her own family group。
a singular notion dawned upon me。 i doubted not—never doubted— that if mr。 reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly； and now； as i sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls— occasionally also turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly gleaning mirror—i began to recall what i had heard of dead men； troubled in their graves by the violation of their last wishes； revisiting the earth to punish the perjured and avenge the oppressed； and i thought mr。 reed’s spirit； harassed by the wrongs of his sister’s child； might quit its abode—whether in the church vault or in the unknown world of the departed—and rise before me in this chamber。 i wiped my tears and hushed my sobs； fearful lest any sign of violent grief might waken a preternatural voice to fort me； or elicit from the gloom some haloed face； bending over me with strange pity。 this idea； consolatory in theory； i felt would be terrible if realised： with all my might i endeavoured to stifle it—i endeavoured to be firm。 shaking my hair from my eyes； i lifted my head and tried to look boldly round the dark room； at this moment a light gleamed on the wall。 was it； i asked myself； a ray from the moon penetrating some aperture in the blind？ no； moonlight was still； and this stirred； while i gazed； it glided up to the ceiling and quivered over my head。 i can now conjecture readily that this streak of light was； in all likelihood； a gleam from a lantern carried by some one across the lawn： but then； prepared as my mind was for horror； shaken as my nerves were by agitation； i thought the swift darting beam was a herald of some ing vision from another world。 my heart beat thick； my head grew hot； a sound filled my ears； which i deemed the rushing of wings； something seemed near me； i was oppressed； suffocated： endurance broke down； i rushed to the door and shook the lock in desperate effort。 steps came running along the outer passage； the key turned； bessie and abbot entered。
“miss eyre； are you ill？” said bessie。
“what a dreadful noise！ it went quite through me！” exclaimed abbot。
“take me