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Jane Eyre-第135章

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“not as a husband。”

“yet he is a handsome fellow。”

“and i am so plain; you see; die。 we should never suit。”

“plain! you? not at all。 you are much too pretty; as well as too good; to be grilled alive in calcutta。” and again she earnestly conjured me to give up all thoughts of going out with her brother。

“i must indeed;” i said; “for when just now i repeated the offer of serving him for a deacon; he expressed himself shocked at my want of decency。 he seemed to think i had mitted an impropriety in proposing to acpany him unmarried: as if i had not from the first hoped to find in him a brother; and habitually regarded him as such。”

“what makes you say he does not love you; jane?”

“you should hear himself on the subject。 he has again and again explained that it is not himself; but his office he wishes to mate。 he has told me i am formed for labour—not for love: which is true; no doubt。 but; in my opinion; if i am not formed for love; it follows that i am not formed for marriage。 would it not be strange; die; to be chained for life to a man who regarded one but as a useful tool?”

“insupportable—unnatural—out of the question!”

“and then;” i continued; “though i have only sisterly affection for him now; yet; if forced to be his wife; i can imagine the possibility of conceiving an inevitable; strange; torturing kind of love for him; because he is so talented; and there is often a certain heroic grandeur in his look; manner; and conversation。 in that case; my lot would bee unspeakably wretched。 he would not want me to love him; and if i showed the feeling; he would make me sensible that it was a superfluity; unrequired by him; unbeing in me。 i know he would。”

“and yet st。 john is a good man;” said diana。

“he is a good and a great man; but he forgets; pitilessly; the feelings and claims of little people; in pursuing his own large views。 it is better; therefore; for the insignificant to keep out of his way; lest; in his progress; he should trample them down。 here he es! i will leave you; diana。” and i hastened upstairs as i saw him entering the garden。

but i was forced to meet him again at supper。 during that meal he appeared just as posed as usual。 i had thought he would hardly speak to me; and i was certain he had given up the pursuit of his matrimonial scheme: the sequel showed i was mistaken on both points。 he addressed me precisely in his ordinary manner; or what had; of late; been his ordinary manner—one scrupulously polite。 no doubt he had invoked the help of the holy spirit to subdue the anger i had roused in him; and now believed he had forgiven me once more。

for the evening reading before prayers; he selected the twenty…first chapter of revelation。 it was at all times pleasant to listen while from his lips fell the words of the bible: never did his fine voice sound at once so sweet and full—never did his manner bee so impressive in its noble simplicity; as when he delivered the oracles of god: and to…night that voice took a more solemn tone—that manner a more thrilling meaning—as he sat in the midst of his household circle (the may moon shining in through the uncurtained window; and rendering almost unnecessary the light of the candle on the table): as he sat there; bending over the great old bible; and described from its page the vision of the new heaven and the new earth—told how god would e to dwell with men; how he would wipe away all tears from their eyes; and promised that there should be no more death; neither sorrow nor crying; nor any more pain; because the former things were passed away。

the succeeding words thrilled me strangely as he spoke them: especially as i felt; by the slight; indescribable alteration in sound; that in uttering them; his eye had turned on me。

“he that overeth shall inherit all things; and i will be his god; and he shall be my son。 but;” was slowly; distinctly read; “the fearful; the unbelieving; &c。; shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone; which is the second death。”

henceforward; i knew what fate st。 john feared for me。

a calm; subdued triumph; blent with a longing earnestness; marked his enunciation of the last glorious verses of that chapter。 the reader believed his name was already written in the lamb’s book of life; and he yearned after the hour which should admit him to the city to which the kings of the earth bring their glory and honour; which has no need of sun or moon to shine in it; because the glory of god lightens it; and the lamb is the light thereof。

in the prayer following the chapter; all his energy gathered—all his stern zeal woke: he was in deep earnest; wrestling with god; and resolved on a conquest。 he supplicated strength for the weak… hearted; guidance for wanderers from the fold: a return; even at the eleventh hour; for those whom the temptations of the world and the flesh were luring from the narrow path。 he asked; he urged; he claimed the boon of a brand snatched from the burning。 earnestness is ever deeply solemn: first; as i listened to that prayer; i wondered at his; then; when it continued and rose; i was touched by it; and at last awed。 he felt the greatness and goodness of his purpose so sincerely: others who heard him plead for it; could not but feel it too。

the prayer over; we took leave of him: he was to go at a very early hour in the morning。 diana and mary having kissed him; left the room—in pliance; i think; with a whispered hint from him: i tendered my hand; and wished him a pleasant journey。

“thank you; jane。 as i said; i shall return from cambridge in a fortnight: that space; then; is yet left you for reflection。 if i listened to human pride; i should say no more to you of marriage with me; but i listen to my duty; and keep steadily in view my first aim—to do all things to the glory of god。 my master was long… suffering: so will i be。 i cannot give you up to perdition as a vessel of wrath: repent—resolve; while there is yet time。 remember; we are bid to work while it is day—warned that ‘the night eth when no man shall work。’ remember the fate of dives; who had his good things in this life。 god give you strength to choo
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