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i shuddered as he spoke： i felt his influence in my marrow—his hold on my limbs。
“seek one elsewhere than in me； st。 john： seek one fitted to you。”
“one fitted to my purpose； you mean—fitted to my vocation。 again i tell you it is not the insignificant private individual—the mere man； with the man’s selfish senses—i wish to mate： it is the missionary。”
“and i will give the missionary my energies—it is all he wants—but not myself： that would be only adding the husk and shell to the kernel。 for them he has no use： i retain them。”
“you cannot—you ought not。 do you think god will be satisfied with half an oblation？ will he accept a mutilated sacrifice？ it is the cause of god i advocate： it is under his standard i enlist you。 i cannot accept on his behalf a divided allegiance： it must be entire。”
“oh！ i will give my heart to god；” i said。 “you do not want it。”
i will not swear； reader； that there was not something of repressed sarcasm both in the tone in which i uttered this sentence； and in the feeling that acpanied it。 i had silently feared st。 john till now； because i had not understood him。 he had held me in awe； because he had held me in doubt。 how much of him was saint； how much mortal； i could not heretofore tell： but revelations were being made in this conference： the analysis of his nature was proceeding before my eyes。 i saw his fallibilities： i prehended them。 i understood that； sitting there where i did； on the bank of heath； and with that handsome form before me； i sat at the feet of a man； caring as i。 the veil fell from his hardness and despotism。 having felt in him the presence of these qualities； i felt his imperfection and took courage。 i was with an equal—one with whom i might argue—one whom； if i saw good； i might resist。
he was silent after i had uttered the last sentence； and i presently risked an upward glance at his countenance。
his eye； bent on me； expressed at once stern surprise and keen inquiry。 “is she sarcastic； and sarcastic to me！” it seemed to say。 “what does this signify？”
“do not let us forget that this is a solemn matter；” he said ere long； “one of which we may neither think nor talk lightly without sin。 i trust； jane； you are in earnest when you say you will serve your heart to god： it is all i want。 once wrench your heart from man； and fix it on your maker； the advancement of that maker’s spiritual kingdom on earth will be your chief delight and endeavour； you will be ready to do at once whatever furthers that end。 you will see what impetus would be given to your efforts and mine by our physical and mental union in marriage： the only union that gives a character of permanent conformity to the destinies and designs of human beings； and； passing over all minor caprices—all trivial difficulties and delicacies of feeling—all scruple about the degree； kind； strength or tenderness of mere personal inclination— you will hasten to enter into that union at once。”
“shall i？” i said briefly； and i looked at his features； beautiful in their harmony； but strangely formidable in their still severity； at his brow； manding but not open； at his eyes； bright and deep and searching； but never soft； at his tall imposing figure； and fancied myself in idea his wife。 oh！ it would never do！ as his curate； his rade； all would be right： i would cross oceans with him in that capacity； toil under eastern suns； in asian deserts with him in that office； admire and emulate his courage and devotion and vigour； acmodate quietly to his masterhood； smile undisturbed at his ineradicable ambition； discriminate the christian from the man： profoundly esteem the one； and freely forgive the other。 i should suffer often； no doubt； attached to him only in this capacity： my body would be under rather a stringent yoke； but my heart and mind would be free。 i should still have my unblighted self to turn to： my natural unenslaved feelings with which to municate in moments of loneliness。 there would be recesses in my mind which would be only mine； to which he never came； and sentiments growing there fresh and sheltered which his austerity could never blight； nor his measured warrior…march trample down： but as his wife—at his side always； and always restrained； and always checked—forced to keep the fire of my nature continually low； to pel it to burn inwardly and never utter a cry； though the imprisoned flame consumed vital after vital—this would be unendurable。
“st。 john！” i exclaimed； when i had got so far in my meditation。
“well？” he answered icily。
“i repeat i freely consent to go with you as your fellow…missionary； but not as your wife； i cannot marry you and bee part of you。”
“a part of me you must bee；” he answered steadily； “otherwise the whole bargain is void。 how can i； a man not yet thirty； take out with me to india a girl of nineteen； unless she be married to me？ how can we be for ever together—sometimes in solitudes； sometimes amidst savage tribes—and unwed？”
“very well；” i said shortly； “under the circumstances； quite as well as if i were either your real sister； or a man and a clergyman like yourself。”
“it is known that you are not my sister； i cannot introduce you as such： to attempt it would be to fasten injurious suspicions on us both。 and for the rest； though you have a man’s vigorous brain； you have a woman’s heart and—it would not do。”
“it would do；” i affirmed with some disdain； “perfectly well。 i have a woman’s heart； but not where you are concerned； for you i have only a rade’s constancy； a fellow…soldier’s frankness； fidelity； fraternity； if you like； a neophyte’s respect and submission to his hierophant： nothing more—don’t fear。”
“it is what i want；” he said； speaking to himself； “it is just what i want。 and there are obstacles in the way： they must be hewn down。 jane； you would not repent marrying me—be certain of that； we must be married。 i repeat it： there is no other way； and undoubtedly enough of love would follow upon marriage to render the union right even in your eyes。”
“i scorn your idea of love；” i could not help saying； as i rose up and stood before him； leaning my back agai