按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页,按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页,按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部!
————未阅读完?加入书签已便下次继续阅读!
speak i must: i had been trodden on severely; and must turn: but how? what strength had i to dart retaliation at my antagonist? i gathered my energies and launched them in this blunt sentence—
“i am not deceitful: if i were; i should say i loved you; but i declare i do not love you: i dislike you the worst of anybody in the world except john reed; and this book about the liar; you may give to your girl; georgiana; for it is she who tells lies; and not i。”
mrs。 reed’s hands still lay on her work inactive: her eye of ice continued to dwell freezingly on mine。
“what more have you to say?” she asked; rather in the tone in which a person might address an opponent of adult age than such as is ordinarily used to a child。
that eye of hers; that voice stirred every antipathy i had。 shaking from head to foot; thrilled with ungovernable excitement; i continued—
“i am glad you are no relation of mine: i will never call you aunt again as long as i live。 i will never e to see you when i am grown up; and if any one asks me how i liked you; and how you treated me; i will say the very thought of you makes me sick; and that you treated me with miserable cruelty。”
“how dare you affirm that; jane eyre?”
“how dare i; mrs。 reed? how dare i? because it is the truth。 you think i have no feelings; and that i can do without one bit of love or kindness; but i cannot live so: and you have no pity。 i shall remember how you thrust me back—roughly and violently thrust me back—into the red…room; and locked me up there; to my dying day; though i was in agony; though i cried out; while suffocating with distress; ‘have mercy! have mercy; aunt reed!’ and that punishment you made me suffer because your wicked boy struck me—knocked me down for nothing。 i will tell anybody who asks me questions; this exact tale。 people think you a good woman; but you are bad; hard… hearted。 you are deceitful!”
ere i had finished this reply; my soul began to expand; to exult; with the strangest sense of freedom; of triumph; i ever felt。 it seemed as if an invisible bond had burst; and that i had struggled out into unhoped…for liberty。 not without cause was this sentiment: mrs。 reed looked frightened; her work had slipped from her knee; she was lifting up her hands; rocking herself to and fro; and even twisting her face as if she would cry。
“jane; you are under a mistake: what is the matter with you? why do you tremble so violently? would you like to drink some water?”
“no; mrs。 reed。”
“is there anything else you wish for; jane? i assure you; i desire to be your friend。”
“not you。 you told mr。 brocklehurst i had a bad character; a deceitful disposition; and i’ll let everybody at lowood know what you are; and what you have done。”
“jane; you don’t understand these things: children must be corrected for their faults。”
“deceit is not my fault!” i cried out in a savage; high voice。
“but you are passionate; jane; that you must allow: and now return to the nursery—there’s a dear—and lie down a little。”
“i am not your dear; i cannot lie down: send me to school soon; mrs。 reed; for i hate to live here。”
“i will indeed send her to school soon;” murmured mrs。 reed sotto voce; and gathering up her work; she abruptly quitted the apartment。
i was left there alone—winner of the field。 it was the hardest battle i had fought; and the first victory i had gained: i stood awhile on the rug; where mr。 brocklehurst had stood; and i enjoyed my conqueror’s solitude。 first; i smiled to myself and felt elate; but this fierce pleasure subsided in me as fast as did the accelerated throb of my pulses。 a child cannot quarrel with its elders; as i had done; cannot give its furious feelings uncontrolled play; as i had given mine; without experiencing afterwards the pang of remorse and the chill of reaction。 a ridge of lighted heath; alive; glancing; devouring; would have been a meet emblem of my mind when i accused and menaced mrs。 reed: the same ridge; black and blasted after the flames are dead; would have represented as meetly my subsequent condition; when half…an…hour’s silence and reflection had shown me the madness of my conduct; and the dreariness of my hated and hating position。
something of vengeance i had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed; on swallowing; warm and racy: its after…flavour; metallic and corroding; gave me a sensation as if i had been poisoned。 willingly would i now have gone and asked mrs。 reed’s pardon; but i knew; partly from experience and partly from instinct; that was the way to make her repulse me with double scorn; thereby re…exciting every turbulent impulse of my nature。
i would fain exercise some better faculty than that of fierce speaking; fain find nourishment for some less fiendish feeling than that of sombre indignation。 i took a book—some arabian tales; i sat down and endeavoured to read。 i could make no sense of the subject; my own thoughts swam always between me and the page i had usually found fascinating。 i opened the glass…door in the breakfast…room: the shrubbery was quite still: the black frost reigned; unbroken by sun or breeze; through the grounds。 i covered my head and arms with the skirt of my frock; and went out to walk in a part of the plantation which was quite sequestrated; but i found no pleasure in the silent trees; the falling fir…cones; the congealed relics of autumn; russet leaves; swept by past winds in heaps; and now stiffened together。 i leaned against a gate; and looked into an empty field where no sheep were feeding; where the short grass was nipped and blanched。 it was a very grey day; a most opaque sky; “onding on snaw;” canopied all; thence flakes felt it intervals; which settled on the hard path and on the hoary lea without melting。 i stood; a wretched child enough; whispering to myself over and over again; “what shall i do?—what shall i do?”
all at once i heard a clear voice call; “miss jane! where are you? e to lunch!”
it was bessie; i knew well enough; but i did not stir; her light step came tripping down the path。
“you naughty little thing!” she said。 “why don’t you e when you are called?”
bessie