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Jane Eyre-第104章

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magined it a man。 finding my apprehensions unfounded; however; and calmed by the deep silence that reigned as evening declined at nightfall; i took confidence。 as yet i had not thought; i had only listened; watched; dreaded; now i regained the faculty of reflection。

what was i to do? where to go? oh; intolerable questions; when i could do nothing and go nowhere!—when a long way must yet be measured by my weary; trembling limbs before i could reach human habitation—when cold charity must be entreated before i could get a lodging: reluctant sympathy importuned; almost certain repulse incurred; before my tale could be listened to; or one of my wants relieved!

i touched the heath; it was dry; and yet warm with the beat of the summer day。 i looked at the sky; it was pure: a kindly star twinkled just above the chasm ridge。 the dew fell; but with propitious softness; no breeze whispered。 nature seemed to me benign and good; i thought she loved me; outcast as i was; and i; who from man could anticipate only mistrust; rejection; insult; clung to her with filial fondness。 to…night; at least; i would be her guest; as i was her child: my mother would lodge me without money and without price。 i had one morsel of bread yet: the remnant of a roll i had bought in a town we passed through at noon with a stray penny—my last coin。 i saw ripe bilberries gleaming here and there; like jet beads in the heath: i gathered a handful and ate them with the bread。 my hunger; sharp before; was; if not satisfied; appeased by this hermit’s meal。 i said my evening prayers at its conclusion; and then chose my couch。

beside the crag the heath was very deep: when i lay down my feet were buried in it; rising high on each side; it left only a narrow space for the night…air to invade。 i folded my shawl double; and spread it over me for a coverlet; a low; mossy swell was my pillow。 thus lodged; i was not; at least—at the mencement of the night; cold。

my rest might have been blissful enough; only a sad heart broke it。 it plained of its gaping wounds; its inward bleeding; its riven chords。 it trembled for mr。 rochester and his doom; it bemoaned him with bitter pity; it demanded him with ceaseless longing; and; impotent as a bird with both wings broken; it still quivered its shattered pinions in vain attempts to seek him。

worn out with this torture of thought; i rose to my knees。 night was e; and her planets were risen: a safe; still night: too serene for the panionship of fear。 we know that god is everywhere; but certainly we feel his presence most when his works are on the grandest scale spread before us; and it is in the unclouded night…sky; where his worlds wheel their silent course; that we read clearest his infinitude; his omnipotence; his omnipresence。 i had risen to my knees to pray for mr。 rochester。 looking up; i; with tear…dimmed eyes; saw the mighty milky…way。 remembering what it was—what countless systems there swept space like a soft trace of light—i felt the might and strength of god。 sure was i of his efficiency to save what he had made: convinced i grew that neither earth should perish; nor one of the souls it treasured。 i turned my prayer to thanksgiving: the source of life was also the saviour of spirits。 mr。 rochester was safe; he was god’s; and by god would he be guarded。 i again nestled to the breast of the hill; and ere long in sleep forgot sorrow。

but next day; want came to me pale and bare。 long after the little birds had left their nests; long after bees had e in the sweet prime of day to gather the heath honey before the dew was dried— when the long morning shadows were curtailed; and the sun filled earth and sky—i got up; and i looked round me。

what a still; hot; perfect day! what a golden desert this spreading moor! everywhere sunshine。 i wished i could live in it and on it。 i saw a lizard run over the crag; i saw a bee busy among the sweet bilberries。 i would fain at the moment have bee bee or lizard; that i might have found fitting nutriment; permanent shelter here。 but i was a human being; and had a human being’s wants: i must not linger where there was nothing to supply them。 i rose; i looked back at the bed i had left。 hopeless of the future; i wished but this—that my maker had that night thought good to require my soul of me while i slept; and that this weary frame; absolved by death from further conflict with fate; had now but to decay quietly; and mingle in peace with the soil of this wilderness。 life; however; was yet in my possession; with all its requirements; and pains; and responsibilities。 the burden must be carried; the want provided for; the suffering endured; the responsibility fulfilled。 i set out。

whitcross regained; i followed a road which led from the sun; now fervent and high。 by no other circumstance had i will to decide my choice。 i walked a long time; and when i thought i had nearly done enough; and might conscientiously yield to the fatigue that almost overpowered me—might relax this forced action; and; sitting down on a stone i saw near; submit resistlessly to the apathy that clogged heart and limb—i heard a bell chime—a church bell。

i turned in the direction of the sound; and there; amongst the romantic hills; whose changes and aspect i had ceased to note an hour ago; i saw a hamlet and a spire。 all the valley at my right hand was full of pasture…fields; and cornfields; and wood; and a glittering stream ran zig…zag through the varied shades of green; the mellowing grain; the sombre woodland; the clear and sunny lea。 recalled by the rumbling of wheels to the road before me; i saw a heavily…laden waggon labouring up the hill; and not far beyond were two cows and their drover。 human life and human labour were near。 i must struggle on: strive to live and bend to toil like the rest。

about two o’clock p。m。 i entered the village。 at the bottom of its one street there was a little shop with some cakes of bread in the window。 i coveted a cake of bread。 with that refreshment i could perhaps regain a degree of energy: without it; it would be difficult to proceed。 the wish to have some strength and some vigour returned to me as soon as i was amongst my fellow…beings。 i felt it wo
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