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ules and took the pair of tennis shoes he had with him in his pack and put them on。 they were slightly too big for her but she was fortable。
her face became tougher and leaner； the face caravaggio would meet later。 she was thin； mostly from tiredness。 she was always hungry and found it a furious exhaustion to feed a patient who couldn’t eat or didn’t want to； watching the bread crumble away； the soup cool； which she desired to swallow fast。 she wanted nothing exotic； just bread； meat。 one of the towns had a bread…making section attached to the hospital and in her free time she moved among the bakers； inhaling the dust and the promise of food。 later； when they were east of rome； someone gave her a gift of a jerusalem artichoke。
it was strange sleeping in the basilicas； or monasteries； or wherever the wounded were billeted； always moving north。 she broke the small cardboard flag off the foot of the bed when someone died； so that orderlies would know glancing from a distance。 then she would leave the thick…stoned building and walk outside into spring or winter or summer； seasons that seemed archaic； that sat like old gentlemen throughout the war。 she would step outside whatever the weather。 she wanted air that smelled of nothing human； wanted moonlight even if it came with a rainstorm。
hello buddy； good…bye buddy。 caring was brief。 there was a contract only until death。 nothing in her spirit or past had taught her to be a nurse。 but cutting her hair was a contract； and it lasted until they were bivouacked in the villa san gi…rolamo north of florence。 here there were four other nurses； two doctors； one hundred patients。 the war in italy moved farther north and they were what had been left behind。
then； during the celebrations of some local victory； somewhat plaintive in this hill town； she had said she was not going back to florence or rome or any other hospital； her war was over。 she would remain with the one burned man they called “the english patient；” who； it was now clear to her； should never be moved because of the fragility of his limbs。 she would lay belladonna over his eyes； give him saline baths for the keloided skin and extensive burns。 she was told the hospital was unsafe—the nunnery that had been for months a german defence； barraged with shells and flares by the allies。 nothing would be left for her； there would be no safety from brigands。
she still refused to leave； got out of her nurse’s uniform； unbundled the brown print frock she had carried for months； and wore that with her tennis shoes。 she stepped away from the war。 she had moved back and forth at their desire。 till the nuns reclaimed it she would sit in this villa with the englishman。 there was something about him she wanted to learn； grow into； and hide in； where she could turn away from being an adult。 there was some little waltz in the way he spoke to her and the way he thought。 she wanted to save him； this nameless； almost faceless man who had been one of the two hundred or so placed in her care during the invasion north。
in her print dress she walked away from the celebration。 she went into the room she shared with the other nurses and sat down。 something flickered in her eye as she sat； and she caught the eye of a small round mirror。 she got up slowly and wenttowards it。 it was very small but even so seemed a luxury。 she had refused to look at herself for more than a year； now and then just her shadow on walls。 the mirror revealed only her cheek； she had to move it back to arm’s length； her hand wavering。
she watched the little portrait of herself as if within a clasped brooch。 she。 through the window there was the sound of the patients being brought out into the sunlight in their chairs； laughing and cheering with the staff。 only those who were seriously ill were still indoors。 she smiled at that。 hi buddy； she said。 she peered into her look； trying to recognize herself。
darkness between hana and caravaggio as they walk in the garden。 now he begins to talk in his familiar slow drawl。
“it was someone’s birthday party late at night on danforth avenue。 the night crawler restaurant。 do you remember； hana？
everyone had to stand and sing a song。 your father； me； giannetta； friends； and you said you wanted to as well— for the first time。 you were still at school then； and you had learned the song in a french class。
“you did it formally； stood on the bench and then one more step up onto the wooden table between the plates and the candles burning。
“ ‘alonson fon！’ “you sang out； your left hand to your heart。 alonson fon！ half the people there didn’t know what the hell you were singing； and maybe you didn’t know what the exact words meant； but you knew what the song was about。
“the breeze from the window was swaying your skirt over so it almost touched a candle； and your ankles seemed fire…white in the bar。 your father’s eyes looking up at you； miraculous with this new language； the cause pouring out so distinct； flawless； no hesitations； and the candles swerving away； not touching your dress but almost touching。 we stood up at the end and you walked off the table into his arms。” “i would remove those bandages on your hands。 i am a nurse； you know。” “they’re fortable。 like gloves。” “how did this happen。” “i was caught jumping from a woman’s window。 that woman i told you about； who took the photograph。 not her fault。” she grips his arm； kneading the muscle。 “let me do it。” she pulls the bandaged hands out of his coat pockets。 she has seen them grey in daylight； but in this light they are almost luminous。
as she loosens the bandages he steps backwards； the white ing out of his arms as if he were a magician； till he is free of them。 she walks towards the uncle from childhood； sees his eyes hoping to catch hers to postpone this； so she looks at nothing but his eyes。
his hands held together like a human bowl。 she reaches for them while her face goes up to his cheek； then nestles in his neck。 what she holds seems firm； healed。
“i tell you i had to negotiate for what they left me。” “how did you do that？” “all those skills i used to have。” “oh； i remember。 no； don’t