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in that last； maybe he is right。 them chinamen eat with two little sticks an it is almost
impossible to shovel any food in your mouth with em； an so a lot of it wind up on my clothes。 no
wonder you do not see a lot of fat chinamen aroun。 you would think they would of learnt to use a
fork by now。
anyway； we is playin a whole lot of matches against the chinamen an they has got some
very good players。 but we is holdin our own。 at night they has almost always got somethin for us
to do； such as go out for supper someplace； or listen to a concert。 one night； we is all sposed to go
out to a restaurant called the peking duck； an when i get down to the lobby of the hotel； mister
wilkins say； 〃gump； you has got to go back to your room an change that shirt。 it look like you
has been in a food fight or somethin。〃 he take me over to the hotel desk an get a chinaman who
speak english to write a little note for me； saying in chinese that i am goin to the peking duck
restaurant； an tell me to give it to the cab driver。
〃we are going ahead；〃 mister wilkins say。 〃you give the driver the note an he will take you
there。〃 so i gone on back to my room an put on a new shirt。
anyhow； i find a cab in front of the hotel an get in； an he drive away。 i be searchin for the
note to give him； but by the time i figger out i must of lef it in my dirty shirt； we is long gone in
the middle of town。 the driver keep jabberin back at me； i reckon he'；s axin me where i want to
go； an i keep sayin； 〃peking duck； peking duck；〃 but he be thowin up his hans an givin me a tour
of the city。
all this go on for bout a hour； an let me tell you； i have seed some sights。 finally i tap him
on the shoulder an when he turn aroun； i say； 〃peking duck；〃 an start to flap my arms like they is
ducks'； wings。 all of a sudden； the driver get a big ole smile； an he start noddin an drive off。 ever
once in a wile he look back at me； an i start flappin my wings again。 bout a hour later； he stop an
i look out the winder an damn if he ain'；t took me to the airport！
well； by this time； it is gettin late； an i ain'；t had no dinner or nothin； an i'；m gettin bout
starved； so we pass this restaurant an i tole the driver to let me out。 i han him a wad of this gook
money they give us； an he han me some back an away he go。
i went in the restaurant an set down an i might as well of been on the moon。 this lady e
over an look at me real funny； an han me a menu； but it is in chinese； so after a wile； i jus point to
four or five different things an figger one of them has to be eatable。 actually； they was all pretty
good。 when i am thru； i paid up an went on out on the street an try to fine my way back to the
hotel； but i be walkin for hours i guess； when they pick me up。
next thing i knowed； i has been thown in jail。 they is a big ole chinaman what speak
english； an he is axin me all sorts of questions an offerin me cigarettes； jus like they did in
them old movies。 it were the nex afternoon before they finally got me out； mister wilkins e
down to the jail an he is talkin for bout a hour； an they let me go。
mister wilkins is hoppin mad。 〃do you realize； gump； that they think you are a spy？〃 he
say。 〃do you know what this can do to this whole effort？ are you crazy？〃
i started to tell him； 〃no； i is jus a idiot；〃 but i let it go。 anyhow； after that； mister wilkins
buy a big balloon from a street vender an tied it on my shirt button； so he can tell where i is 〃at all
times。〃 also； from then on； he pinned a note on my lapel； sayin who i was an where i am stayin。
it made me feel like a fool。
one day they load us up in a bus an take us way out of town to a big river an they is a lot of
chinamen standin aroun lookin official an all； an the reason； we find out soon enough； is that the
head chinaman of them all； chairman mao； is there。
chairman mao is a big ole fat budda…lookin guy； an he has taken off his pajaymas an is in
his swimming trunks an they says chairman mao at the age of eighty is gonna swim this river by
hissef an they want us to watch him do it。
well； the chairman； he wade on in an start swimming an folks is takin pichers an all them
other chinamen be chatterin away an lookin pleased。 he is bout halfway cross the river； when he
stop an raise his han an wave at us。 everbody wave back。
bout a minute later； he wave again； an everbody wave back。
not too long after that； chairman mao wave for a third time； an suddenly it begun to dawn
on everbody that he is not waving； he is drownin！
well； the shit done hit the fan； an i finally understan what a 〃chinese fire drill〃 is。 people is
jumpin in the water an boats is racin out from the other side of the river an everbody on shore is
cryin an leapin up an down an smackin they palms against the side of they heads。 i say； the hell
with this； cause i saw where he went under； an i thowed off my shoes an into the river i went。 i
past all the chinamen who was swimming out there an got to the place where chairman mao had
gone under。 the boat be circlin； an people lookin over the sides like they is gonna see somethin；
which was kind of silly since the river is bout the same color as sewer water back home。
anyhow； i dived down three or four times an sure enough； i bumped into the ole bastid
floatin aroun underwater。 i haul him up an some chinamen grapped him an thowed him in the
boat an took off。 didn'；t even bother to take me along； an so'；s i have got to swim all the way back
by mysef。
when i get to the bank； all the people there be jumpin up an down an cryin an slappin me on
the back； an they pick me up an carry me on they shoulders to the bus。 but when we is on the
road again； mister wilkins e up to me an be shakin his head。 〃you big dumb goof；〃 he say；
〃do you not realize that the best thing that could of happened for the united states was to let that
sumbitch drown！ you； gump； is lost us the opportunity of a lifetime。〃
so i guess i done screwed up a