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is I m going to Seattle that Saturday； she answered。 The curiosity was not as vicious as it would have been before now that I was fully intending to find out the answers to everything。 I would know the wheres and whys of this new revelation soon enough。 Mike s tone turned unpleasantly wheedling。 Sorry； no。 Bella was brusquer now。 longer it s rude。 Can t you go some other weekend？ So you shouldn t make Jess wait any Her concern for Jessica s feelings fanned the flames of my jealousy。 This Seattle trip was clearly an excuse to say no did she refuse purely out of loyalty to her friend？ She was more than selfless enough for that。 Did she actually wish she could say yes？ Or were both guesses wrong？ Was she interested in someone else？
Yeah； you re right； Mike mumbled； so demoralized that I almost felt pity for him。 Almost。 He dropped his eyes from the girl； cutting off my view of her face in his thoughts。 I wasn t going to tolerate that。 I turned to read her face myself； for the first time in more than a month。 It was a sharp relief to allow myself this； like a gasp of air to longsubmerged human lungs。 Her eyes were closed； and her hands pressed against the sides of her face。 Her shoulders curved inward defensively。 She shook her head ever so slightly； as if she were trying to push some thought from her mind。 Frustrating。 Fascinating。 Mr。 Banner s voice pulled her from her reverie； and her eyes slowly opened。 She looked at me immediately； perhaps sensing my gaze。 She stared up into my eyes with the same bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long。 I didn t feel the remorse or the guilt or the rage in that second。 I knew they would e again； and e soon； but for this one moment I rode a strange； jittery high。 As if I had triumphed； rather than lost。 She didn t look away； though I stared with inappropriate intensity； trying vainly to read her thoughts through her liquid brown eyes。 They were full of questions； rather than answers。 I could see the reflection of my own eyes； and I saw that they were black with thirst。 It had been nearly two weeks since my last hunting trip； this was not the safest day for my will to crumble。 But the blackness did not seem to frighten her。 She still did not look away； and a soft； devastatingly appealing pink began to color her skin。 What was she thinking now？ I almost asked the question aloud； but at that moment Mr。 Banner called my name。 I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glanced briefly in his direction。 I sucked in a quick breath。 The Krebs Cycle。 Thirst scorched down my throat tightening my muscles and filling my mouth with venom and I closed my eyes； trying to concentrate through the desire for her blood that raged inside me。 The monster was stronger than before。 The monster was rejoicing。 He embraced this dual future that gave him an even； fiftyfifty chance at what he craved so viciously。 The third； shaky future I d tried to construct through willpower alone had crumbled destroyed by mon jealously； of all things and he was so much closer to his goal。 The remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst； and； if I d had the ability to produce tears； they would have filled my eyes now。 What had I done？ Knowing the battle was already lost； there seemed to be no reason to resist what I wanted； I turned to stare at the girl again。
She had hidden in her hair； but I could see through a parting in the tresses that her cheek was deep crimson now。 The monster liked that。 She did not meet my gaze again； but she twisted a strand of her dark hair nervously between her fingers。 Her delicate fingers； her fragile wrist they were so breakable； looking for all the world like just my breath could snap them。 No； no； no。 I could not do this。 She was too breakable； too good； too precious to deserve this fate。 I couldn t allow my life to collide with hers； to destroy it。 But I couldn t stay away from her either。 Alice was right about that。 The monster inside me hissed with frustration as I wavered； leaning first one way； then the other。 My brief hour with her passed all too quickly； as I vacillated between the rock and the hard place。 The bell rang； and she started collecting her things without looking at me。 This disappointed me； but I could hardly expect otherwise。 The way I had treated her since the accident was inexcusable。 Bella？ I said； unable to stop myself。 My willpower already lay in shreds。 She hesitated before looking at me； when she turned； her expression was guarded； distrustful。 I reminded myself that she had every right to distrust me。 That she should。 She waited for me to continue； but I just stared at her； reading her face。 I pulled in shallow mouthfuls of air at regular intervals； fighting my thirst。 What？ she finally said。 Are you speaking to me again？ There was an edge of resentment to her tone that was； like her anger； endearing。 It made me want to smile。 I wasn t sure how to answer her question。 Was I speaking to her again； in the sense that she meant？ No。 Not if I could help it。 I would try to help it。 No； not really； I told her。 She closed her eyes； which frustrated me。 It cut off my best avenue of access to her feelings。 She took a long； slow breath without opening her eyes。 Her jaw was locked。 Eyes still closed； she spoke。 Why did she do it？ Surely this was not a normal human way to converse。 Then what do you want； Edward？ The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body。 heartbeat； it would have quickened。 But how to answer her？ If I d had a With the truth； I decided。 I would be as truthful as I could with her from now on。 I didn t want to deserve her distrust； even if earning her trust was impossible。
I m sorry； I told her。 That was truer than she would ever know。 Unfortunately； I could only safely apologize for the trivial。 I m being very rude； I know。 But it s better this way； really。 I would be better for her if I could keep it up； continue to be rude。 Her eyes opened； their expression still wary。 I don t know what you mean。 I tried to get as much of a warning through to her as was allowed。 It s better if we re not friends。 Surely； she could sense that much。 She was a bright girl。 Trust me。 Her eyes tightened； and I remembered that I had said t