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There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs — hold them back but not end them。 The tears didn’t
slow。 I couldn’t seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those。
“Wait for me upstairs；” I mumbled when we were in front of the house。
He hugged me closer for one minute； and then he was gone。
Once inside； I headed straight for the stairs。
“Bella？” Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by。
I turned to look at him without speaking。 His eyes bugged wide； and he lurched to his feet。
“What happened？ Is Jacob 。 。 。 ？” he demanded。
I shook my head furiously； trying to find my voice。 “He’s fine； he’s fine；” I promised； my voice low and
husky。 And Jacob was fine； physically； which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment。
“But what happened？” He grabbed my shoulders； his eyes still anxious and wide。 “What happened to
you？”
I must look worse than I’d imagined。
“Nothing； Dad。 I 。 。 。 just had to talk to Jacob about 。 。 。 some things that were hard。 I’m fine。”
The anxiety calmed； and was replaced by disapproval。
“Was this really the best time？” he asked。
“Probably not； Dad； but I didn’t have any alternatives — it just got to the point where I had to choose。 。 。
。 Sometimes； there isn’t any way to promise。”
He shook his head slowly。 “How did he handle it？”
I didn’t answer。
He looked at my face for a minute； and then nodded。 That must have been answer enough。
“I hope you didn’t mess up his recovery。”
“He’s a quick healer；” I mumbled。
Charlie sighed。
I could feel the control slipping。
“I’ll be in my room；” I told him； shrugging out from underneath his hands。
“’Kay；” Charlie agreed。 He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate。 Nothing scared
Charlie worse than tears。
I made my way to my room； blind and stumbling。
Once inside； I fought with the clasp on my bracelet； trying to undo it with shaking fingers。
“No； Bella；” Edward whispered； capturing my hands。 “It’s part of who you are。”
He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again。
This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on。 I wondered if it would ever end。
But； though the night dragged relentlessly； it was not the worst night of my life。 I took fort from that。
And I was not alone。 There was a great deal of fort in that； too。
Charlie’s fear of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me； though I was not quiet — he
probably got no more sleep than I did。
My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight。 I could see every mistake I’d made； every bit of harm I’d
done； the small things and the big things。 Each pain I’d caused Jacob； each wound I’d given Edward； stacked
up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny。
And I realized that I’d been wrong all along about the mags。 It had not been Edward and Jacob that
I’d been trying to force together； it was the two parts of myself； Edward’s Bella and Jacob’s Bella。 But they
could not exist together； and I never should have tried。
I’d done so much damage。
At some point in the night； I remembered the promise I’d made to myself early this morning — that I
would never make Edward see me shed another tear for Jacob Black。 The thought brought on a round of
hysteria which frightened Edward more than the weeping。 But it passed； too； when it had run its course。
Edward said little； he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt； staining it with salt water。
It took longer than I thought it would for that smaller； broken part of me to cry herself out。 It happened；
though； and I was eventually exhausted enough to sleep。 Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from the
pain； just a numbing； dulling ease； like medicine。 Made it more bearable。 But it was still there； I was aware of
it； even asleep； and that helped me to make the adjustments I needed to make。
The morning brought with it； if not a brighter outlook； as least a measure of control； some acceptance。
Instinctively； I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache。 That was just going to be a part of me
now。 Time would make it easier — that’s what everyone always said。 But I didn’t care if time healed me or
not； so long as Jacob could get better。 Could be happy again。
When I woke up； there was no disorientation。 I opened my eyes — finally dry — and met his anxious
gaze。
“Hey；” I said。 My voice was hoarse。 I cleared my throat。
He didn’t answer。 He watched me； waiting for it to start。
“No； I’m fine；” I promised。 “That won’t happen again。”
His eyes tightened at my words。
“I’m sorry that you had to see that；” I said。 “That wasn’t fair to you。”
He put his hands on either side of my face。
“Bella 。 。 。 are you sure？ Did you make the right choice？ I’ve never seen you in so much pain —” His
voice broke on the last word。
But I had known worse pain。
I touched his lips。 “Yes。”
“I don’t know。 。 。 。” His brow creased。 “If it hurts you so much； how can it possibly be the right thing for
you？”
“Edward； I know who I can’t live without。”
“But 。 。 。”
I shook my head。 “You don’t understand。 You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me；
if that’s what’s best。 But I could never be that selfsacrificing。 I have to be with you。 It’s the only way I can
live。”
He still looked dubious。 I should never have let him stay with me last night。 But I had needed him so much。
。 。 。
“Hand me that book； will you？” I asked； pointing over his shoulder。
His eyebrows pulled together in confusion； but he gave it to me quickly。
“This again？” he asked。
“I just wanted to find this one part I remembered 。 。 。 to see how she said it。 。 。 。” I flipped through the
book； finding the page I wanted easily。 The corner was dogeared from the many times I’d stopped here。
“Cathy’s a monster； but there were a few things she got right；” I muttered。 I read the lines quietly； mostly to
myself。 “‘If all else perished； and he remained； I should still continue to be； and ifall else remained； and he
were annihilated； the universe wo